Thoughts

I went for a walk around this gorgeous neighborhood near work today. My poor eyes needed a break from the computer screen, my lungs needed fresh air, and my skin needed some vitamin D. My walk was peaceful – no traffic noise, no ear buds. Just the sounds of nature and my heart beating. I feel unsettled today. Not totally present.

Today has me yearning for bare feet, running through the tall grass, climbing big birch trees in grams front yard, games of wiffleball, reading in the shade, tomato sandwiches at the beach, salty air, big hugs, bikes rides into town for candy and ice cream, bonfires and s’mores, closing exhausted lids and dreaming under the stars.

Lately I’ve felt incredibly nostalgic. I’m missing my youth and the carefree joy that went with it. I’m missing those important people that are no longer here with me. 

Impulse

A lot of my very best decisions have been impulsive – dropping out of college in Boston when I knew it wasn’t right, moving to Maine for no good reason, kissing him for the very first time in my car at 2am during a snowstorm, quitting a crappy job without a back up plan, adopting  a the cutest puppy, the list could go on.  I’m great at making big impulsive decisions that make for big changes without giving it much thought.  Luckily, it has never back fired and it has always ended up being exactly what I needed.  Maybe it shouldn’t be catergorized as “impulse” but very abruptly following my intuition..my gut feeling. The older I get the more confident I feel in the choices I make, the “impulses”, the following my heart even if from the outside it seems insane.  Sure, it could end up being a royal shit show but is there really any other choice? 

What I’m not so great at is impulse purchases.  I am a straight up crazy when it comes to sticking to my budget and saving every cent I possibly can for the future.  Sure, that sounds ultra responsible and grown up but it also leaves me feeling guilty every time I spoil myself with something, which is not very good for my mental health or my life.  I can never just buy myself a cup of coffee without thinking “omg I could have spent that $2.50 on something else.  something better.”  And while that’s sometimes a great thought and has helped me get closer and closer to becoming a homeowner someday…I really need to calm the ‘f down.   I have to remind myself that yeah, I could have saved that $2.50 and spent it on something more useful, but I also work hard and deserve to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee and a walk around the neighborhood with him.  Not every day…but more than never!  It’s nice to be responsible but it’s also nice to remember to enjoy those little pleasures and not feel guilty whenever I decide to spoil myself. 

All this to rambling to tell you a simple story.  Last night on my way home from work I was exhausted.  It was one of those days with a mile long to do list but things just kept popping up.  I worked long hours and felt like I hadn’t done a single thing.  I felt defeated and frustrated and blah.  And that’s when I remember Ingrid Michaelson’s new album had just released. (she just happens to be my very favorite artist and probably the cutest human being alive).  So, I went to Bull Moose and picked up her album on vinyl.  I was so excited and couldn’t wait to get home and listen.  Simple enough, right? But then, while I was trying to fall asleep I kept thinking  “I have a wedding to pay for, and a honeymoon, and I really need to get my hair cut and should have gotten my oil changed 400 miles ago, and mother’s day is coming up, and…and..and.”  Silently, I kept listing every little (responsible) thing I could have spent my money on.  I told him how guilty I felt and he told me to ‘shhh’ and to just enjoy myself…and you know what I should.  I don’t need to buy hundreds of dollars worth of new clothes or go out to dinner every night, but I do get to buy my favorite album and maybe some new scrapbook stuff, and a freakin coffee when I feel like it.

Does anyone else have this constant battle between their responsible side and their impulsive side?   I can’t be the only one!

Happy Hump Day, friends. Also, kudos to Ingrid – this album makes my heart happy. 

xoxo

Kel

Photo source 

It's the freakin' weekend

This weekend was a good one.  One of those weekends where nothing major happened; it was just good. Fell asleep smiling, woke up smiling; good.  I went home to visit my parents and he went off to NYC to assist with a music video.  I missed him, of course.  But sometimes it’s nice to have a girls day with my mom and best friend and walk the dogs with just my Dad.  My parents renovated their kitchen and did some updates in the dining room and living room.  I went home to help my mom put everything back together.  She cleaned up the renovation dust and I of course organized and made things pretty.  We stayed up late drinking wine and talking – a little bit about the wedding, but mostly just stories and little things.   

Saturday was absolutely gorgeous – 70′s and sunny with a light breeze.  My favorite weather.  We spent the afternoon getting Miche fitted for her bridesmaids dress, going out for lunch, antiquing, enjoying our first ice cream cone of the season, and going to my first wedding dress fitting.  It feels so odd wearing a wedding dress; don’t get me wrong it’s exciting and I love it but seriously how am I wearing a wedding dress? I’m like 20 still, right?  It’s very…surreal for a lack of a better term.  Pretty excited to marry him in it.  

After a fun trip home with the pup listening to old mix CDS (remember when All American Rejects were cool!…no?) he and I were finally back together.  We could barely keep our eyes open. He talked a little bit about his weekend in NYC, which included a lot of video time lapses, photos, and very little sleep –  he loved it.  It’s so nice to go away and enjoy our own things, but even better to come home to each other and pass out watching Jumangi.

xoxo

Kel

His & Hers

So, this second post is going to be a bit heavier than I would have liked…but that’s life, right?

Yesterday was an interesting day.  Everything was fine.  Not good. Not bad. Just…fine.  He and I were enjoying dinner and a little House, MD after work (all 8 seasons are on Netflix now! Waddup!)  He said something that wasn’t horrible but for some reason it made me snap.  I unloaded on every little thing that had been frustrating me lately.  Some things were due to him, but most of them were in my own head.  I’ve never been a great communicator; I know that.  It’s something I’ve always struggled with.  I’m trying to get better, but obviously I’m not quite there yet.  We went back and forth about nonsense for a good 30 minutes.  Taking turns letting it all out, raising our voices a bit, stopping and just staring, and then starting up again.  Finally we stopped.  He closed his eyes and laid in bed.  I grabbed my purse and keys.  I didn’t know where I was headed.  I just drove.  I ended up pulling into the venue where we’ll be getting married in 5 1/2 short months.  It’s only about 10-15 minutes from our home.  I just sat there.  In retrospect, I probably looked very creepy sitting alone in that car, with no one around at 10:00 at night. But for some reason, that’s where I ended up.  I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream.  I just sat there staring at the outdoor deck where we’ll say our vows and promise to love each other forever.

The longer I sat there, the more at peace I felt.  I reminded myself of who I am, who I want to be.  Who he is, who he will be and all of the reasons why I love him so.  Sure, we are not perfect. Is anyone?  Our life is messy and unpredictable, and sometimes it’s downright crappy.  But it’s mostly beautiful and exciting… and the thing is it’s our life and I couldn’t imagine sharing a life with anyone but him.

So after I took a breath, I drove back home, parked the car, and crawled into bed with him.  We said a few more words and then fell asleep together.  This morning on his way home from his early morning shift, he stopped by my office and we got a coffee down the street.  We talked for a bit.  We didn’t rehash the arguement or even try to apologize.  We just said I love you and went on talking about normal everyday life.

Is life always easy? No.  Are relationships ever perfect? No.  But finding someone who shakes you to your core, challenges you, knows all your secrets and still thinks you’re pretty damn amazing is really what it’s all about.

Happy Thursday, blogland.  Hope your day is filled with people who love you inside and out. 

Here goes nothing

Hi – it’s me.  This is my first blog post. It feels kind of silly, ya know?

I have wanted to start a blog for about 3 years, but I kept coming up with excuses and wanted to have everything planned out. every. little. detail.  Cuz that’s how my brain works.  I couldn’t just sign up and write a post.  I had to design it; make it look perfect.  Decide what kind of blog I wanted – how personal/unpersonal I wanted to get.  What I should share, what I shouldn’t share.  How many posts a week I should write.  What I would write about.  Then I would get overwhelmed and binge watch How I Met Your Mother.

And today, I thought to myself as I read up on one of my favorite blogs…wow if I had started my blog like I said I would, I would’ve been 3 years in already.  That’s crazy.  Crazy stupid.  So, here I am.  No game plan.  Just me deciding to finally write and figure out the rest as I go.

I think this will be good.

Okay, now that that’s over with…I’m going to make dinner and binge watch How I Met Your Mother.  Let’s do this.

xoxo

Kel